Feeling strong, healthy, (mostly) graceful, and loved.
Derailed by a number.
Feeling content, fulfilled, hopeful.
Overrun by a number.
Feeling flexible, beautiful, grateful.
Overshadowed by a number.
Stupid numbers game.
Everyday a finite judgement. Everyday a concrete calculation.
Necessary for me on my current journey but so is finding the balance. Finding a peace about feeling good in my body even when that scale number scares the beejeebers out of me. Somehow finding the resolve to only grant it a certain power in my life.
This negotiation exists for me – between the scale and the value I give it in my life – the continual negotiation between my head and heart and body – and for a time it must exist. Everyday is a numbers game – a values game. What am I going to value today, now in this moment? And how do my actions give weight to those values? And what, if anything, does the scale have to do with any of that?
The number on the scale. Calories consumed. Calories burned. Simple numbers. Minutes of activity. Number of steps. All quantifiable, tangible measurements.
Not so tangible is being mindful of my body, of its fullness, flexibility, strength. Mindful of breath and light and position.
Perhaps more tangible – the way my smile cheers a stranger, the beauty of the food I make, the joy of picking berries, the peace that comes from the river’s edge with the ones I love.
A continual negotiation, but a hopeful exercise.